The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)

(Original author unknown)

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering
sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more
Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as
a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans
who lack any real skills or ambition.


"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer
stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and
passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be
able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply
because they have some idea of what they are doing."


In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the
U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing
opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government
level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record
of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).


Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles
but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense
of purpose and performance.


Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be
given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of
Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax
credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one
clueless worker for every two talented hires.


Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new
measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the
non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions
such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to
this job?"


"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people
who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost
her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich.,
due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This
new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have
job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions
of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end
of the tunnel.


Said Sen. Dick Durbin,II: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the
same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended
to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers
to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or
her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great
nation and a good salary for doing so."


This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane
Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama.

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  • Origins: Variants of the above-quoted "Americans with No Abilities Act" political satire have been circulating on the Internet since 1998, based on the original published by  in June of that year (under the title "Congress Passes Americans with No Abilities Act," a pun on the Americans with Disabilities Act legislation of 1990). 

    There is also a 2004 and 2007 lampoon version that was circulated prior to that year's U.S. presidential election, presented as a "What if?" piece.

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