Normally Rajjpuut himself handles even the most difficult or inconvenient interviews, however, because of a conflicting commitment, the following was farmed out to Liberal blogger Payne Hertz an experienced hand who generally completes even the most challenging assignment successfully . . . . The interview was recorded on location in the Brooks Range of Alaska “above” the Arctic Circle near the “Pink Eye” Glacier. However, because of the bitterly frigid conditions, the equipment loaned to the interviewer (Rajjpuut’s video recorder, normal tape recorder and three individual ball-point pens) all failed to function. So except for roughly the first five or six minutes of the seventy-minute interview when the recorder was functioning, all that can be relied upon now are 96-year old reporter Payne Hertz’s memory of a stimulating and somewhat shocking interview with Al Gore. Thankfully, our man in the frozen tundra’s memory is sharp as a tack.
Q: Mr. Vice President, I’ve never conducted an interview under conditions like this before. Just a few minutes ago I spit and my saliva seemed to “explode” in mid-air, and then again when it reached the snow it really made a “boom-crackle” sort of explosion. How do you take this? Just how much experience do you have living up here north of the Arctic Circle in the middle of winter?
A: Eh, Vice President? . . . . spent roughly twenty years prospecting here near Pink Eye and it gets so you almost don’t need a thermometer ‘n don’t mind the cold much. When spit “pops” on the snow you’re about 50-below zero; when it “crackles” in the air, it’s pre’r near -80. When it explodes both places it’s 2 ---
Q: 2--?
A: Yeah, too damn cold! Little Alaskan humor there . . . .
Q: Uh-huh, Mr. Gore, I can’t help but notice that this outdoor lifestyle is really doing you a world of good, you look fitter, and maybe 60 pounds lighter, younger and healthier; quite frankly, if I didn’t know it was you, I’d swear I was talking to a younger and much more athletic person. You've even grown back a full head of hair!
A: Athletic, huh? Been this way since I finished high school. Anywho, t’aint no chubby boys survives up here.
Q: Ah . . . anyway, can you tell me about your work documenting the polar bear populations?
A: Documanting-spockumanting? Cousin Al from Tennessee, relative of mine, offered it, so ah' got hired, got to kill the damn things.
Q: Kill ‘em? You’re killing polar bears?
A: Damn straight, Mister, get $600 for each left rear paw he gets in the mail
Q: Hold it, a minute? You’re not Al Gore!
A: Wanna see m’ pilot’s license?
Q: Ye-ea-ah . . . .
A: See right there, Alvin Mulford Gore, be 39 tomarrah . . . .
Q: But, but . . . well, who hired you to kill the bears?
A: Cousin Al from Tennessee . . . .
Q: From Tennessee?
A: Just like in the po’m ‘bout “Sam McGee from Tennessee” getting hisself cremated . . . m’ cousin Al from Tennessee he says there’s way too many polar bears for the projections and he pays me $600 for each left foot I fetch him . . .
Q: Holy Shi_! Ah, I mean, how many have feet have you sent him?
A: After he gets this one t’will be 39-hunnert in six years.
Q: Ooh, that foot's more red than white . . . You’ve killed 3,900 polar bears!
A: Was that a question?
Q: You've actually killed almost 4,000 polar bears????
A: Yeah, but gonna need some backup soon . . . .
Q: Backup!
A: Cousin Al says we’re fallin’ way behind
Q: Your cousin Al, he’s Al Gore the ex-Vice President of the United States who’s been preaching “Global Warming for the last dozen years?
A: Globalfrigg’n warming, are you screwin’ w’ me? (here the interview was paused while Alvin Mulford Gore laughed for roughly ten minutes straight). Brother, you’re killing me, thought my heart would give out (he laughs for another couple minutes). Globalfrigg’n warming . . . don’t think I’ve ever, does this feel like global friggin' warming to you . . . .
Q: Back to my question, your cousin Al, he’s Al Gore the ex-Vice President of the United States who’s been preaching “Climate Change” for the last dozen years?
A: Don’t know nothin’ ‘bout that, Cousin Al used to sell cigarettes til’ they killed his sis. He does whatever's necessary to make his business grow . . . you oughta see his jet!
Q: Wow! I mean, . . . just how many “back-ups” will you need to get the polar bear population in check?
A: Lot's, ah' get a $40,000 bonus if ah’ extincts ‘em all, an I can pay 'em say $200 a paw . . . 'bout a dozen or so back-ups oughta do . . .
Q: You mean to say you'd get a bounty from your Cousin Al for killing every single polar bear alive!
A: It would help him with his projections . . . but just 'tween us, ah' couldn't continue to kill 'em if'n they were all of 'em dead, so I aim to leave just a few breedin' pairs around and then do the final extinctin' 'bout my retirement age or just before . . . lots o' good job security that way
At this point all of the mechanical recording devices and pens had all failed and unfortunately our aged interviewer’s memory also failed . . . or so we were told, however, Rajjpuut suspects that the aged Liberal’s political beliefs kept him from giving us the rest of the story, just like Time Magazine’s Joe Klein and Climate Gate, it seems . . . .
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