Presidential Seal Abandons Obama,
Moves to Vancouver, Canada
In what’s seen as another serious blow to public perception of the Obama administration’s competence, the presidential seal told reporter Payne Hertz, standing in for Rajjpuut, she was leaving her long time post in Washington, D. C. due to “irreconcilable differences” with President Barack Obama, top administration officials, the Obama czars and First Lady Michelle Obama. The seal, who doesn’t speak human languages vocally and is only semi-fluent in English, had to tap out her Spanish language answers in Morse code on a bongo drum in exchange for sardines turning a short interview into a long, drawn out beat-bop session. Our 96-year old veteran of the journalistic wars claims that he constantly found himself interrupting “the music” to get back to the thread of the interview . . . . “Rather like a really extended Greenwich Village poetry session,” according to Hertz. The video-recorded bongo serenade translates to this:
Hertz: Hola, Como esta` usted? (Hello, Wasap?)
PSL: Estoy harto de Obama hasta aqui (raises flipper above head and says, “I’m fed with Obama at least this much”)
Hertz: OK. How long have you served as the presidential seal?
PSL: Actually, I was the presidential sea lion, most of you humans don’t appreciate the difference . . . .
Hertz: Oh, yeah, I can see your tiny ears. And your flippers are really long; do you have any underfur at all?
PSL: Just a little, of course we sea lions can actually walk on all four flippers and are much more intelligent than those damn seals (sneers). That’s part of the problem. Obama gave me four promises and he’s reneged on all of them.
Hertz: Before we get into that, isn’t it true that Vice President Biden has accused you of “racism?” And . . . .
PSL: Oh, that again. I accuse the veep of stupidity, just as I accuse seals of stupidity. It’s not racism to say that a snail is slow, a skunk stinks or a seal is stupid. Take it up with National Geographic and Discover magazines. They’ve both done testing and seals average 70% lower IQs than we sea lions do and they come out only a point or two above Mr. Biden and Michelle Obama.
Hertz: You’re calling the First Lady unintelligent?
PSL: Look who she married. When it comes to capitalism and the spirit of the U.S. Constitution he’s an illiterate and an ignoramus. On economics, if you can show me a less intelligent fellow . . . .
Hertz: Hold it, you can’t just go around calling down the President of the United States . . . .
PSL: Listen, he made four promises to me and he didn’t keep one of them that’s batting .000 in my book and except for being a pretty-boy and making an occasional four-foot putt or three-point shot, there isn’t much there.
Hertz: Yeah, ah . . . . What were the promises?
PSL: For #1 He would introduce me within three days after the inauguration and explain to the American public the differences between seals and sea lions. He said it would be an excellent “teachable moment.” Instead he’s had the EPA undergo a “spread the intelligence” campaign to call us all “pinnipeds.” It’s like lumping human civilization in with monkey tribes and lemurs and calling you all “primates” to “spread the IQ wealth.”
PSL: #2 He said he’d provide me with my favorite snack after every televised appearance with him. #3 He’d allow me input into the Economic Recovery Board. #4 He refrain from any actions against gold traders . . . .
Hertz: Obama promised to allow a seal . . . .
PSL: Sea lion, damnit . . . .
Hertz: Excuse me, Obama promised to allow a sea lion to help make administration policy?
PSL: What? You think I could do worse?
Hertz: OK, OK, tell me more about the promises . . . .
PSL: Well, the most disappointing was about the “teachable moment” and then the snacks . . . .
Hertz: Skip those two . . . just promises #3 and #4.
PSL: Well, he tried to whip it past me, but while he was putting funded abortions in Obamacare, he also snuck in a bunch of onerous control over gold traders . . . I think it was on page 752 . . . I’ve got a cousin near Portland’s really going to be ill-affected by that one. As for the Economic Recovery Board people: they’re only a slightly paler shade of pink then Mr. “Jobs President” himself . . . they’re all experts at killing jobs.
Hertz: You’re claiming the president is a Marxist?
PSL: I swim in the water and hang out with sea lions; he populates his inner circle with commies . . . you get known by the company you keep . . . .
Hertz: That’s hardly conclusive . . . .
PSL: You don’t read much do you, fella?
Hertz: Excuse me?
PSL: You’re a liberal, huh? Dreams from My Father, well, youngster, his father’s dreams included 100% taxes.
Hertz: Well, you’re just a sea lion. Sorry, that was uncalled for, ‘er tell me about the problem with the snacks.
PSL: Pardon me too, I shouldn’t have referred to your age . . . . just get so damned mad, you can’t imagine what it’s like being surrounded by anti-American pinheads 24/7. It was right there in my contract, “four north Pacific herring” after every televised appearance with the two of us . . . and instead he pays me off with three of the tiniest, most tasteless . . . .
Hertz: I see, well it doesn’t sound like you got along very well . . . .
PSL: . . . dried out Delta Smelt, like eating french-fried cockroaches . . . .
Hertz: Did you say, Delta Smelt?
PSL: You’ve eaten ‘em, eh? So you catch my drift?
Hertz: But Delta Smelt are on the endangered species list. They’re stopping irrigation in California’s Central Valley because of the danger to Delta Smelt from being sucked into the piping systems . . . .
PSL: The fewer the Delta Smelt, the more environmental votes they get . . . .
Hertz: I can’t believe . . . .
PSL: Now, maybe you understand why I jumped off his lectern the other day . . . it was all just too much . . . .
Hertz: (At this point the video-tape’s audio recording reveals only the snoring of a 96-year old man for the next twelve minutes. Hertz takes his afternoon siesta precisely at 2:45 every day . . . .)
Ya’all live long, strong and ornery,