humor (67)

Friday Fume

By Craig Andresen on July 25, 2014 at 5:14 am

fume-11.jpg?width=300In a week that just defies common sense and DEFINES liberal nonsense…We find THIS little gem.

YOUR government is spending $10 MILLION DOLLARS of YOUR money to build…ROBOTS…that will…good God…”ACT AS PERSONAL TRAINERS…FOR CHILDREN…TO INFLUENCE THEIR BEHAVIOR …AND EATING HABITS!!!”

According to Yale University…an asylum of higher indoctrination… ‘Robots Helping Kids,’ will ultimately “deploy” robots into homes and schools to teach English as a second language, and encourage kids to exercise.

Says nerd Brian Scassellati of the asylum, “What we want to do is move these robots out of the laboratory and into schools and homes and clinics, places where we can directly help children on a day-to-day basis. Just like a good personal trainer, we want the robots to be able to guide the child toward a behavior that we desire.”

So…it takes a village to raise a child huh? Now it’s gonna take ROBOTS to raise a VILLAGE of IDIOTS but that’s exactly what liberals want, and as if dumbing down kids wasn’t bad enough…NOW they’re going to start turning out MIND-NUMBED CHILDREN by letting MIND-NUMBED ROBOTS TEACH THEM HOW TO BEHAVE!!!

Patriots and friends…It’s FRIDAY and…

I’m fuming.

When it comes to border security…do you think that maybe…JUST MAYBE…the Obama regime has their priorities a little SCREWED UP???

Just MAYBE???

While tens of THOUSANDS of ILLEGAL ALIEN minors…INCLUDING GANG MEMBERS…pour across our southern border and get everything from FREE TRANSPORTATION to states and cities from sea to shining sea to A FREE EDUCATION without so much as a second glance…

A troop of two dozen BOY SCOUTS from IOWA had a somewhat DIFFERENT experience last week as they traveled from Canada into ALASKA!!!

That’s when one of the Scouts took a photo of the border station upon which…

READ THE FULL FUME HERE!!!

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Friday Fume

By Craig Andresen on June 27, 2014 at 5:54 am

fume-11.jpg?width=301It’s been another tough week for liberal idiots…

They’ve been proven wrong on Iraq…wrong on the criticism of Bush…wrong on their denial of Obama’s scandals and yesterday…

The Supreme Court voted NINE to NOTHING that Obama completely blew the Constitutional Separation of Powers clause. NINE TO NOTHING and now BOEHNER is SUING the Dictator for ABUSES of POWER!!!

While rational people, at the bottom of a deep hole would quit digging…LIBERALS ARE ASKING FOR MORE SHOVELS and who are we to deny their request?

Well, lookie here, it’s Friday and…

I’m fuming.

Back in 1960, the city of Detroit had THE highest per capita income in the NATION and then…liberals took it over.

Today…Detroit is a third world city and like third world COUNTRIES…their people have gone to the UNITED NATIONS of thugs, thieves and despots seeking powder blue helmet relief from their day to day struggles.

A gaggle of liberals from a COALITION of…wait for it…WELFARE RIGHTS GROUPS…are all upset because the water has been shut off to 4700 Detroit water customers because…THEY HAVE FAILED TO PAY THEIR WATER BILLS…and those who demand that others take care of them…VIA WELFARE…went to the U.N. to get their water turned back on.

Here’s the REAL story…about HALF of the 324,000 Detroit water customers are at least 2 months over due on their water bills and of THOSE…46,000 were sent shut off notices and of THOSE…only 10% were ACTUALLY shut off and here’s where it gets interesting…Of the 4500 that were shut off…HALF OF THEM CAME IN AND PAID IN FULL WITHIN 2 DAYS!!!

That means that a damn good number of those who simply felt they didn’t need to pay their water bill…COULD HAVE buy why spend your OWN money when you can live off of someone ELSE’S dime???

Naturally…

READ THIS WEEK'S FULL FUME HERE!!!

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It's quiet amusing that folks will assume things if one forget's to log on via the tea party page, frankly it just made me fall out of my chair...Yes I'm aware that birth control is used to prevent an egg and sperm from coming together to form a human...It was funny due to how condescending (forgot who it was not important) came off as...Actually I'm on lo dose birth control myself for other medical reasons and do not agree for myself personally with the use of IUD's (I think that's what they are called?) and The Morning After Pill...Plan B eh no thanks...Now it's over the counter?! Uh what?!

First of all regardless of the moral aspects of that, health wise it's dangerous due to the high amounts of birth control in the pill. It can cause internal bleeding in younger gals, not to mention there isn't an age restriction for it any longer? What? I get not wanting folks to know really I do; because I attended a program called Mercy Ministries for the self injury I used to struggle with, and I spoke with some young women who had taken that pill and had complications afterwards not to mention the spiritual complexities of guilt etc.

The answer really for myself has been my unshakable faith, and facing the things struggled with as well as not avoiding them...The culture of avoidance has gotten many where they are now, and baby steps in a positive direction add up even over a months time...The culture of what's good for you is not good for me and it's all relative has frankly got to stop if any lasting change is to be had...

I spoke of this in an earlier blog post, change comes from first the individual then a group of folks of like mind, not the other way around...

Feel free to post your thoughts below, Thanks for reading :)

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TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFFS

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER:

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event:
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CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
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CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
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CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
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CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
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CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
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CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
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CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)

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by: Trent Derr - American Exceptionalism

 

The other day on a Southwest Airlines flight back to Houston, I saw him, Cooter. He was one big dude, and he was making his way down the aisle of the plane carrying his duffel bag and his hardhat. As usual, his hardhat was decorated with stickers from most of the plants where he had worked. Since Cooter does contract work, he had a lot of stickers! The row I was in was full. It just so happened that Cooter’s traveling companion, Bubba, was seated in the window seat of my row. So Cooter put his carry-on in the overhead and sat in the row behind me.

 

Ok, I didn’t really know if his name was actually Cooter, but I know a lot of Cooters. Cooter is a slang name for a group of working people across the United States. Cooter builds cars in Tennessee, raises cattle in Kansas and installs cat crackers in refineries in Texas. Cooter is good at what he does. He takes pride in his work, his family and his yard. You wouldn’t want to make Cooter mad if you were another man. However, he loves babies and little kids.

 

Cooter voted for Carter, Reagan, Clinton and George W Bush (the first time). He didn’t vote at all in the 2008 election because he was disgusted with the candidates. Cooter often chooses not to vote unless something has him fired up. He can get fired up about anything that he thinks impacts his family.    Continue...
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About a year ago there was a news story about how the iguanas were dropping out of the trees in Florida, and so Jake jotted out this quick, sick and twisted humor piece. Maybe you will still get a laugh out of it ... maybe NOT!

When Global Warming Fails - Lizards Die: Those on the left say they care … but do they really? Their efforts have paid off and now the earth is cooling. As the earth cools temperatures get too cool for the iguanas and they become paralyzed and fall. But who cares for the Iguanas? End the Hate!

Cruelly, without recourse or warning ,these peaceful iguanas get cold and are falling from trees, limbs, plants, sides of houses and everywhere imaginable because of evil Americans and their efforts to end global warming. These iguanas are not native to the U.S.

They are undocumented iguanas, which means, they know the bitter sting of leaving their homeland, often in the dead of night, with nothing more than the scales on their back. And for what? So tourists will have a pet to show off at home?

But when they become too big or start doing iguana stuff ... all they hear is the cruel rushing of water as they are flushed down the toilet, or the rushing of air as they are chucked over the back fence.

It's time to stop the madness! As a nation we can do better ... we must do better. We must end the horror of these poor, forgotten and falling iguanas. It is time to ...

End the Hate!

All creatures deserve the right of decent medical care. So it's time. Today I am asking congress to provide $800 million dollars to save the iguana and increase global warming so that these poor iguanas may live.

Using undocumented workers in the south Florida area and local volunteers, I believe we can build nets to break the fall of these kidnapped and abused creatures.

Further, by utilizing thousands of local agencies, volunteers, and more undocumented workers, along with unemployed hookers (who can't find johns because of the cold), we can build thousands of little hammocks for the iguanas so when they awaken, they will know the comfort that our medical system should provide for all Americans ... even undocumented iguanas.

Don't be a hater - help us end the madness of falling iguanas - and - if you see someone actually tipping an iguana off his perch, please report that person to the nearest ASPCA office.

Iguana terror can be stopped ... but only if we end the hate.

To Donate

CALL: 1 (800) UGLY LIZARD

This message is brought to you by the ATSIB - Americans to Stop Iguana Abuse.

P.S. - This is NOT meant to be taken seriously, we checked 800-ugly-lizard and the number is a working number. Please do not call this number. These poor folks actually got calls the last time we sent out this nonsense.

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