ARGUING WITH LIBERALS
by Burt Prelutsky
I don’t have much opportunity to debate with those on the Left. Partly, that’s because there are very few in my personal life and the others don’t tend to read me. There is one exception. He is a former agent of mine, going back to the days when I actually had or needed an agent. In fact, to this day, he will refer to himself as the only agent I ever liked. And it’s true. He even subscribes to my articles.
Recently, he had occasion to let me know that he disagreed with a line I had recently written. It began with his writing: “When you say: ‘Blacks have an exorbitant illegitimacy rate,’ that’s a fact. I don’t debate or question it, because it’s documented. But when you say: ‘Liberals think black and Hispanic thugs should be armed,’ that’s not in any way quantifiable, and I’m going to call you on that.”
I replied: “Frank, I love you like a brother, but you have a couple of annoying habits. One, the only time you have anything good to say about my work is in a short preamble to whatever you’re complaining about. Two, when I lodge a defense of whatever it is you’re calling me out about which almost invariably is that I’ve generalized about liberals, you drop off the earth and do not respond to let me know if I’ve convinced you, or perhaps given you pause to re-consider your complaint or that you remain stubbornly unconvinced.”
He replied: “I will try to point out more of your statements I agree with. But it is hard for me to say something when you present as a fact something that is unsubstantiated, such as, ‘liar-nObama is gay.’”
I replied: “Apparently, you don’t place much stock in circumstantial evidence, although in criminal trials, it is often considered more persuasive than eye witness testimony, which is often found to be worthless.
“Regarding liar-nObama: did it not strike you as odd that no woman ever came forward to cash in on the fame and fortune awaiting any woman who could share her experiences dating liar-nObama in high school, college, law school or in the years before he met and married Michelle at age 29 or 30?
“And didn’t it strike you as odd when, as a newly elected president, he traveled to Hawaii and then took off to meet an unnamed buddy at the guy’s home instead of having him come to where he was staying? The guy was never identified and we were never told anything about him. You didn’t find that suspicious?
“Even liar-nObama’s marriage was always suspect because black people hate homosexuals which is why Prop 8, the same-sex marriage proposition, went down in flames here in California: the white vote was 50-50, but the black vote was 60-40 against; and liar-nObama knew that once he set his eye on political office in Chicago, he had to get married, lest the rumors begin.
“It may not convince you because you liked liar-nObama, but if he were a conservative, I believe you’d be persuaded.”
He replied: “You still haven’t defended your statement that liberals favor black and Hispanic gangbangers being armed.”
I replied: “If liberals felt otherwise, 500 people wouldn’t have already been murdered this year in Chicago. All you hear from Democrats is that more laws need to be passed making it more difficult for white people to buy guns. Nobody, after all, imagines for a second that the thugs register their guns, and nobody tries to arrest them for possessing the weapons. Instead, Democrats make the NRA the big bad boogeyman, although none of the group’s four million members has murdered anyone.
“So why do liberals keep yammering for more gun control laws? After all, Chicago, Detroit and Baltimore, already have the toughest laws on the books. What good are more of them when the criminals ignore the laws that already exist? They’re criminals, after all; they earn their livelihood by breaking the law. It’s their way of life.”
“I am a liberal,” Frank replied. “But I don’t believe ANYONE needs or should have an automatic weapon, unless they’re serving in the military.”
“Machine guns have been outlawed since 1934. So far as I can recall, until Vegas, the bump stocks haven’t played a role in any of the previous mass-killings. The Democrats are constantly tossing out these red herrings, and you should not be repeating the silly crap spewed forth by the likes of clown-Schumer and Pulosi.”
“Finally,” he said in summation, “my ‘dropping off the earth’ generally means I’d rather not debate Burt further. Neither of us will convince the other of his point of view.”
“The difference,” I pointed out, “is that I can and will defend my point of view. But if you feel that way, please don’t send me your complaints because I respect you enough to feel a response is called for. The truth is, I already know the leftist’s attitude towards guns and, well, everything else.”
What I didn’t point out to Frank is that liberals are always at a disadvantage when arguing with conservatives. That’s because we can’t avoid knowing all their talking points because their opinions permeate the very toxic air we breathe; whereas unless they’re the very few on the Left who ever listen to talk radio, watch Fox News or read a conservative pundit, all they know about us is that we’re gay-bashing, gun-toting, fascistic, racist, Bible-thumping, Neanderthals.
Something else I neglected to mention to Frank is that when I attack some cherished belief of the Left, I first make the strongest case for the lunacy in my own mind, and, believe me, I do a better job of it than people like Chris Matthews, Juan Williams and George Stephanopoulos.
● Having been among the hair-challenged since my early 30s, I understand the urge that moves certain men to don toupees. In the old days, when hats were still in vogue, bald men could easily cover up their deficiency in public. But once John F. Kennedy went topless on his inauguration day, the hat industry collapsed.
The problem is that most wigs look like wigs, and accentuate male baldness more than they conceal it. But when I see someone like Ken Burns, the renowned propagandist/documentary filmmaker, I can’t help wondering what he sees when he looks in the mirror. I suppose he thinks the rug makes him look youthful, but he’s 64 years old, for god’s sake. Is there nobody in the poor man’s life who is willing to let him know it makes him look like the 4th Stooge, Schmucky?
● Speaking of nicknames, someone -- not I, unfortunately -- came up with the perfect one for the disgraced former head of Miramax, Harvey Swinestein.
While on that particularly unsavory topic, something I haven’t heard anything about is how it went for 19-year-old Malia liar-nObama, who was in the process of spending her gap year before entering Harvard as one of Mr. Weinstein’s lucky interns.
Politics do make for strange and very embarrassing bed fellows.
● In related news, the Motion Picture Academy has canceled Weinstein’s membership. Needless to say, every actor, producer and director, in Hollywood is now perched on pins and needles waiting for the other four thousand shoes to drop.