FROM MY IN-BOX TO YOURS
©2018 Burt Prelutsky
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Because my readers tend to pass along anything that captures their fancy, I wind up with a lot of material that for one reason or another I haven’t gotten around to sharing, but with one subscription year ending and another beginning, I want to clear my desk and start fresh.
But, first, I wish to say that I didn’t fault rino-John McCain for deciding he didn’t want President Trump to attend his funeral. It is the deceased, after all, who should be in charge of the guest list., and Trump had nobody to blame but himself after making the unfortunate comment about not respecting soldiers who had been captured.
But I can’t help wondering why the late senator didn’t object to Barack scumbag/liar-nObama showing up. After all, in the aftermath of his presidential victory, it wasscumbag/liar-nObama who, at a meeting that was sold as a bi-partisan gathering, interrupted rino-McCain in mid-sentence to pointedly remind him which of them had won and which one had lost. It was also scumbag/liar-nObama who told Republicans who attempted to have some say in policy matters, to sit down, shut up and get out of his way.
⦿ Bert Black sent along something that was probably being passed around to everyone but me at the time there was talk of the dummycrats-Democrats drafting nOprah Winfrey to oppose Trump in 2020.
It reads: “I’m nOprah. I’m the spokesperson for Weight Watchers but can’t control my weight. I tell you how to run your marriage, but I can’t commit to marriage. I tell you how to raise your kids but I don’t have any. I am very spiritual, but I don’t go to church or identify as a Christian.
“Even though I knew about Harvey Weinstein and his casting couch, I was silent. But I support the ‘MeToo’ movement. I am racist to the core, but blacks can’t really be racist, so that doesn’t count. I’m black and female, so I check all the boxes.
“I praised Denmark for their Socialism, though I am a billionaire due to Capitalism, the economic system that allowed a dirt-poor child from Mississippi to rise to world-renowned fame and wealth.
“The first time I endorsed a presidential candidate it was a black one. Before scumbag/liar-nObama came along, I wasn’t political. Vote for me and I will give you transformational change.”
Because Ms. Winfrey has announced she isn’t looking to run in 2020, this satire won’t apply to her. But with a few tweaks here and there, it will be timely in a couple of years when the dummycrats-Democrats are likely to select someone out of a mixed bag of wealthy left-wing hypocrites that includes Kamala Harris, commie-Bernie Sanders, Tom Perez, scumbag-Eric Holder, Elizabeth dinky-Warren, Joe loose lips-Biden, scumbag-Cory Booker and Kirsten Gillibrand.
⦿ Dan Baird sent me a photo of football players taking a knee during the playing of the National Anthem. The caption read: “We are black. If we’re killed, there’s a .0045% chance it’s at the hands of a cop and a 97% chance that it’s another black. If we really had an issue with black people dying, we would focus on the 97%.”
⦿ Don Wise reminded me that late night TV used to be full of commercials urging you to use the 900 number to call the Psychic Hotline. The pitch woman was a colorfully-garbed Jamaican who claimed to have a direct connection to the spirit world and was willing to act as a conduit to these founts of wisdom for something like $3.99-a-minute.
It’s Mr. Wise’s notion to set up a service where people sounding like such old-time favorites as Gabby Hayes, Chill Wills, Zazu Pitts and Nigel Bruce, would offer advice. I think it’s a pip of an idea, but I think he needs to do a better job of casting if he’s going to charge more than 10 cents a minute.
I mean, is anyone so lovelorn that he or she is going to ask Gabby Hayes or Zazu Pitts for advice when it comes to the opposite sex? Now, if it was Cary Grant or Mae West, I can see springing for the $3.99.
It might be worth that much just to hear John Wayne at the other end of the line, saying: “What seems to be the problem, Pilgrim?”
Mr. Wise’s brainstorm reminded me that it was I who came up with the idea of having rocks for pets. I pointed out at the time that you didn’t have to feed them, walk them in the rain, get them shots or check them for fleas. I used it as a joke in an article.
Six months later, some smart cookie was making millions selling Pet Rocks.
I’m afraid it exposed the difference between talent and genius.
⦿ Stephen Hanover insists he’s not the man who walked into a dentist’s office, but only heard about it.
The man told the dentist: “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have three buddies waiting at the golf course, so forget about the anesthetic. I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10 a.m. tee time and it’s already 9:30.”
The dentist is impressed; finally a real man, instead of the usual crybabies he has to deal with. “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said: “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
I assumed Mr. Hanover wasn’t the man in the story because he was still alive.
⦿ Speaking of Russia, I had always assumed that Molotov cocktails—bottles filled with gasoline, with a cloth wick soaked in kerosene—had been used by Russians on German tanks during the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union.
That turns out not to be the case. In 1939, when the Soviet Union was being called to account for bombing Finland in the Winter War, Stalin’s foreign minister, Vyacheslav Molotov, insisted they weren’t bombs, they were bread baskets being delivered to a starving nation.
The Finns decided that if bombs were to be called bread baskets, they would supply liquid refreshments and call them cocktails named in his honor and launch them against Soviet tanks.
For the record, it was the first and last time that the Finns displayed a sense of humor. Which puts them one-up on dummycrats-Democrats.